I had a bad day yesterday. It was bad. I hadn't felt that crappy (pardon my language) in a really long time. It was scary crappy. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I had it all figured out that it would be easier for me to just not have friends and even attempt a love life because it would be so much easier. Just get used to being alone, because that is how life was going to be. And since I am such a moody mess, it would be easier for me to just stay away from people altogether. And I even figured out a way to stop communicating with people and how no one would really even notice for at least a week.
My body has been hurting all over for a few weeks -- my ankle, my joints, my back. Probably stress. Probably depression. Probably in my head.
It's hard to even write here, but was basically figuring out how to exist with just me and my dog and that was it. Everything else was exhausting. I was supposed to go for a two mile jog up to Best Buy to get a new mouse for my computer and I couldn't even do that.
And then I showed up for this morning's swim practice. Thankfully, my amazing friend Judith, also know as LTC Nurse Mad Dog, picked me up for practice. And literally, as soon as I hit the water, I felt instantly better. The laps were familiar, easy and comforting. It was like a cross between flying and being held. But better... because sometimes when I am in a mood I just can't have people near me, let alone have them touching me. But the water is perfect.
So next time I am going crazy or in a mood or whatever you want to call it, get me in the pool (or even better, in a lake)! Even when I say I can't or don't want to.
And please, some smarty smart head doctor out there, study connection between swimming/water and treating bipolar disorder. I found very little out there besides simple personal accounts like mine and then comparing being close to some with BPD as "swimming upstream" which I can personally attest is actually not as bad as it sounds.
Labels: bipolar, swimming, treatment